courage burger with the lot, hold the insecurity sauce!

Imagine this, a trip into somebody else’s mind! Imagine what impact this experience could have on your life, your love, your future.

How many times have you said, I wish you could understand what I am saying. When what you actually meant was, I wish you could get inside my mind and feel what I am going through. What you are saying, is that you are feeling so misunderstood that you desperately want a magic wand for her/him to just be you!  So that they could totally “get it”, without any preconceived notions of their own, simply pure, other persons brain time.

What if instead, we decided, to be them? To put ourselves into their minds? Understand how they are feeling? Wouldn’t it be true that they are just as likely feeling the same way? That they are at some level struggling with their own mountains. As a partner for life, wouldn’t it be great if we could honour that energy of commitment and partnership. I guess we all have our own opinions of what being a partner means, then we attempt to live out that ideal. I guess that’s probably a good time to add, that maybe that’s where we are struggling the most in  western culture. Choosing a partner based on similar values and morals, should make the journey a much more harmonious experience. Someone who supports unconditionally and compassionately, who is not always singing the same song, but never forgets that humming is acceptable too.

In my own mind, I am painfully aware of how people are currently struggling within relationships. The number of relationships ending in divorce seems overwhelming to me. It’s not that I disagree with divorce. I believe in love and that’s it. If a relationship for some reason is not loving, then to me, it’s not really a relationship. The thing is, what I honestly believe is that every single one of us, deserves to be loved and cherished for who we are. Every one of us, wants to feel loved unconditionally, I think that’s the driving force of our energy. I think the only thing that gets in the way, is fear. We fear opening up because that leaves us vulnerable, it leaves us stripped bare, raw for the taking, for the beating, the tormenting, the shame, the disappointment, the rejection, the abandonment. If we allow ourselves to truly give unconditional love, we open the front door to every insecurity our souls have ever known. As soon as that treasured choice (the partner we choose) begins to impact on just one of our insecurities, things change. Walls go up, games start, blame, denial, dishonesty and disillusionment begin to live and grow on the inside.

Maybe that’s when the wishing starts, maybe that’s when people start aching for the other to change, for the other to understand, to believe that this connection is worth it, valuable and true. Or perhaps that’s where the ego starts suffering and tormenting our hearts and minds with cracks in our confidence. Could it be that we are searching for another to fulfil our own need for self-approval and if this is the case, how can this ever be?. Considering that self-worth is internal, nothing external has any power over it without first applying internal permission. If we consider the first theory connected to making wishes for the other to change, then we might say that this behaviour was brought about based on a lack of acceptance, appreciation and understanding, but what if that desire for the other to understand you became a desire for you to understand them. What if you took a deep look within and challenged yourself to real courage, to conquer your own mountains instead of trying to climb theirs, you could just accept theirs. Understand that this person was a choice that you made based on love, based on your souls desire to nurture and be nurtured by this one person.

Having said this. I should point out, that if you joined together based on desire alone, on physical attraction only, or because a selfish part of you fell in love with how they made you feel, (there might have been other reasons that don’t have anything to do with love). In that case, this message is clearly not for you. Unless, there has been a true falling into love with that person since, common sense screams the obvious, relationships formed this way, will not usually stand for long.

It’s an interesting idea that we fall in love with somebody based on how they make us feel. I think this happens a lot, I think it happens fast and can be really damaging to the self. I think that honestly falling in love somebody requires knowledge of that person, an understanding of who they are, what they think and feel and know, and do based on everything that they believe. When we begin to fall in love, we daydream about each other, we wonder what the other person might be doing or thinking,  we smile, laugh and reminisce about things said or done. It’s intoxicating because we focus on a warm gentle energy that is that person. We treasure the insight that they bring into our own lives, the tiny gifts of pleasure through intimacy and respect. The deep appreciation and acknowledgement that comes with unconditional love takes that relationship to the next level. Despite anything that other person does, says or is. Unconditional love just is. It transcends fear. Fear cannot touch it.

So, I take a decent breathe in, because this to me, is the big stuff. It’s what really matters and I do believe that we all have the ability to go to that very scary and vulnerable place, the place you are laughed at by others, because he/she gives you reason to sing your own song to the world, even if they choose to hum, your love for each other will keep you in tune.

 

“It’s not good is it”?

I have a friend I walk with each day, I don’t have enough time to explain the complexities of her personality, lets just say that she gives me 1000 reasons to smile and as many reasons to write. Sometimes, in a week, she will become fixated on a topic (as we all can) recently, her topic has been relationship longevity.  Having a husband of 17 years and two children, she has life experiences to share, many outrageously funny, my stomach muscles usually ache from laughing not walking. She is a woman of strong ethics, eclectic humour and simple wisdom. She talks about her “disability” often, but I am still unsure what her disability is, I guess you could say that she is a 40 year old woman living with a 16 year olds mind and a 90 year olds heart. All she wants to do is care for people and be liked by people. She also has an amazing ability to humiliate, its a humbling experience some days !!!

My friend has a catch phrase, it’s this; …”it’s not good is it?”  I have a giggle with her about this, I have also adopted it in my own home for comic relief for anything we are not keen on. My whole family are on board with my connection to this women, she has a special place in our lives, yet is very unaware of her impact.

Her comments and our discussions on relationships have been interesting and usually end  with…”it’s not good is it.”  We discuss the lack of stick ability, the increase in violence and promiscuity. We don’t ever delve deeply into any of it, but her words are always true and pack a punch with weight that could straighten a few bendy bridges. Within her own relationship, she admits that she speaks carelessly often and recognises why she speaks this way and what harm it does to the relationship, she also knows that continuation of this behaviour will cause eventual separation. I wont get into details because I value her privacy, but to know that she is fully aware of her own actions and the impact that they have on her relationship with her husband and what that means for the future of the marriage, is awesome! It’s not just awesome because she is aware and awake to it, its awesome because she continues to be honest with herself about what she wants in this connection and what that means about the energy that she brings to it. She would never say it like that, but that’s exactly how it is and that’s exactly why they are moving into almost 20 years together. I have not once heard her say anything about her husband changing, she has not told me that she wishes he would not do this or that, or that that he shouldn’t do this or that, she just see’s that things are not good sometimes, then decides what might alter that situation. In every aspect of her own relationship, she focusses on her own self control or her own responsibility , her own energy within the family and how that impacts on the life she is living.

In consideration of our recent discussions around relationships and the impact that she has on me, I felt like sharing. It’s not just about marriage. People can live together a lifetime and be in love and content in a relationship. It’s about the need we all have to be valued and significant. I don’t have a lot of studied knowledge of relationship dynamics, how they work and why, but when I look at people and watch how they are with each other, I can see through what others might overlook. I work in consulting, I deal with people who are struggling emotionally, who love but want for something better. Sadly, the better, is usually about themselves. See, I think as we ache in desperation to have our partner “understand us deeper” or appreciate us more. What we are actually living is personal dissatisfaction of self. Of course, having a close connection to your partner is conducive with a harmonious loving relationship, one where both of you get to be you,  supported to develop in any way you choose individually and blossom into who you want to be. The love connection, seems to weigh on our hearts and the ego connection, plays with our actions and our decisions.  The ego connection being directly related to that desire for significance. Wow, I could share on this topic for hours, based on my own experience and future ideals. I guess what I am really trying to get out, but maybe not so flowingly, is that we all could do with an Amanda in our life, that friend that shares with black & white accuracy. That slices through it all, without trying, that is oblivious to her own wisdom.

I think that people are fascinating, I think we could develop and grow and love and share into something beyond what we experience, if we open up to facing our own self issues at the exact time that we stand pointing fingers toward our most treasured ones . This could be a remarkable change to the current social trend of separation.

 

Gratitude, death and the power of giggling!

If there is one thing that I have absolutely learnt this year, it’s the amazing power of gratitude! For a long time now, I can honestly say that I know true gratitude. For years I have lived with a sound understanding and knowing that I have so much to be grateful for.

This year though, something else has shifted for me. I am constantly feeling that I am blessed daily and I find it so easy to appreciate how beautiful our planet is and how precious love is. So many things contribute to this state that I am constantly finding myself in. One thing that I would always highly recommend is giggling.

Laughing, allowing yourself to burst into a smile within any situation is empowering and life changing. I wonder why we choose not to laugh when we think that something is funny!

So many social settings require a certain grace and presence. We enter a conversation that seems funny to our own nature but withhold our laughter in fear of shame or judgement which belongs to the same family of guilt and fear. I wonder how many of you that read this post are courageous enough to embrace your individuality and laugh anyway, let these things be funny to you. So much seriousness everywhere, people really taking things to a whole new level of rigidness. Perhaps your ability to see things from a lighter perspective could shape the way to a great adventure! Your career could take off, your love life could find its spark again, your independence and sense of value could be improved (perhaps) all in this one action of defiance.

Funerals are a good example of our social responsibility to be respectful and mourn loss. Of course this is a personal choice. Not all of us mourn loss in the same way. At the time of death of a very dear loved one its human to feel broken. Grieving is a natural and healthy process for human existence. I totally believe this, even though its just my belief and not an educated statement. The thing is though, what if within that grieving time we could find moments to giggle for the amazing soul that has become invisible to us. That we could share laughter and love and stories to celebrate the impact that this soul had on our lives. To smile and laugh at the things that we will always treasure, to choose to focus on gratitude. To be so grateful that in our lifetime we had the immense privilege to love this soul and in turn possibly, be loved back!

Now, I am not suggesting that you rock up to the next funeral laughing or kicking back with the giggles. I am just poking you with a choice. A choice to focus on how awesome this person was. How amazing your life was because of them. A choice about focus! in that one action you can create so much change in your life, just by focussing and sharing that focus with others, you could impact on them too and before you know it, a chain of gratitude appears, shiny and sparkly and bright and there it is! Love. The emotion that will always connect you to this soul, easily and effortlessly.

So… if you are missing someone right now and you find yourself focussing on the pain and heartache of loss. Try focussing on what was funny, try focussing on how they made you laugh. There is always a giggle to be found when love exists, love and joy live hand in hand. Then focus on how grateful you are that you are blessed with these memories and this love, because as long as we are focussing on love we will receive it. We will find it and we will be surrounded by it. If you look for something hard enough, you will always find it!