courage burger with the lot, hold the insecurity sauce!

Imagine this, a trip into somebody else’s mind! Imagine what impact this experience could have on your life, your love, your future.

How many times have you said, I wish you could understand what I am saying. When what you actually meant was, I wish you could get inside my mind and feel what I am going through. What you are saying, is that you are feeling so misunderstood that you desperately want a magic wand for her/him to just be you!  So that they could totally “get it”, without any preconceived notions of their own, simply pure, other persons brain time.

What if instead, we decided, to be them? To put ourselves into their minds? Understand how they are feeling? Wouldn’t it be true that they are just as likely feeling the same way? That they are at some level struggling with their own mountains. As a partner for life, wouldn’t it be great if we could honour that energy of commitment and partnership. I guess we all have our own opinions of what being a partner means, then we attempt to live out that ideal. I guess that’s probably a good time to add, that maybe that’s where we are struggling the most in  western culture. Choosing a partner based on similar values and morals, should make the journey a much more harmonious experience. Someone who supports unconditionally and compassionately, who is not always singing the same song, but never forgets that humming is acceptable too.

In my own mind, I am painfully aware of how people are currently struggling within relationships. The number of relationships ending in divorce seems overwhelming to me. It’s not that I disagree with divorce. I believe in love and that’s it. If a relationship for some reason is not loving, then to me, it’s not really a relationship. The thing is, what I honestly believe is that every single one of us, deserves to be loved and cherished for who we are. Every one of us, wants to feel loved unconditionally, I think that’s the driving force of our energy. I think the only thing that gets in the way, is fear. We fear opening up because that leaves us vulnerable, it leaves us stripped bare, raw for the taking, for the beating, the tormenting, the shame, the disappointment, the rejection, the abandonment. If we allow ourselves to truly give unconditional love, we open the front door to every insecurity our souls have ever known. As soon as that treasured choice (the partner we choose) begins to impact on just one of our insecurities, things change. Walls go up, games start, blame, denial, dishonesty and disillusionment begin to live and grow on the inside.

Maybe that’s when the wishing starts, maybe that’s when people start aching for the other to change, for the other to understand, to believe that this connection is worth it, valuable and true. Or perhaps that’s where the ego starts suffering and tormenting our hearts and minds with cracks in our confidence. Could it be that we are searching for another to fulfil our own need for self-approval and if this is the case, how can this ever be?. Considering that self-worth is internal, nothing external has any power over it without first applying internal permission. If we consider the first theory connected to making wishes for the other to change, then we might say that this behaviour was brought about based on a lack of acceptance, appreciation and understanding, but what if that desire for the other to understand you became a desire for you to understand them. What if you took a deep look within and challenged yourself to real courage, to conquer your own mountains instead of trying to climb theirs, you could just accept theirs. Understand that this person was a choice that you made based on love, based on your souls desire to nurture and be nurtured by this one person.

Having said this. I should point out, that if you joined together based on desire alone, on physical attraction only, or because a selfish part of you fell in love with how they made you feel, (there might have been other reasons that don’t have anything to do with love). In that case, this message is clearly not for you. Unless, there has been a true falling into love with that person since, common sense screams the obvious, relationships formed this way, will not usually stand for long.

It’s an interesting idea that we fall in love with somebody based on how they make us feel. I think this happens a lot, I think it happens fast and can be really damaging to the self. I think that honestly falling in love somebody requires knowledge of that person, an understanding of who they are, what they think and feel and know, and do based on everything that they believe. When we begin to fall in love, we daydream about each other, we wonder what the other person might be doing or thinking,  we smile, laugh and reminisce about things said or done. It’s intoxicating because we focus on a warm gentle energy that is that person. We treasure the insight that they bring into our own lives, the tiny gifts of pleasure through intimacy and respect. The deep appreciation and acknowledgement that comes with unconditional love takes that relationship to the next level. Despite anything that other person does, says or is. Unconditional love just is. It transcends fear. Fear cannot touch it.

So, I take a decent breathe in, because this to me, is the big stuff. It’s what really matters and I do believe that we all have the ability to go to that very scary and vulnerable place, the place you are laughed at by others, because he/she gives you reason to sing your own song to the world, even if they choose to hum, your love for each other will keep you in tune.

 

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“It’s not good is it”?

I have a friend I walk with each day, I don’t have enough time to explain the complexities of her personality, lets just say that she gives me 1000 reasons to smile and as many reasons to write. Sometimes, in a week, she will become fixated on a topic (as we all can) recently, her topic has been relationship longevity.  Having a husband of 17 years and two children, she has life experiences to share, many outrageously funny, my stomach muscles usually ache from laughing not walking. She is a woman of strong ethics, eclectic humour and simple wisdom. She talks about her “disability” often, but I am still unsure what her disability is, I guess you could say that she is a 40 year old woman living with a 16 year olds mind and a 90 year olds heart. All she wants to do is care for people and be liked by people. She also has an amazing ability to humiliate, its a humbling experience some days !!!

My friend has a catch phrase, it’s this; …”it’s not good is it?”  I have a giggle with her about this, I have also adopted it in my own home for comic relief for anything we are not keen on. My whole family are on board with my connection to this women, she has a special place in our lives, yet is very unaware of her impact.

Her comments and our discussions on relationships have been interesting and usually end  with…”it’s not good is it.”  We discuss the lack of stick ability, the increase in violence and promiscuity. We don’t ever delve deeply into any of it, but her words are always true and pack a punch with weight that could straighten a few bendy bridges. Within her own relationship, she admits that she speaks carelessly often and recognises why she speaks this way and what harm it does to the relationship, she also knows that continuation of this behaviour will cause eventual separation. I wont get into details because I value her privacy, but to know that she is fully aware of her own actions and the impact that they have on her relationship with her husband and what that means for the future of the marriage, is awesome! It’s not just awesome because she is aware and awake to it, its awesome because she continues to be honest with herself about what she wants in this connection and what that means about the energy that she brings to it. She would never say it like that, but that’s exactly how it is and that’s exactly why they are moving into almost 20 years together. I have not once heard her say anything about her husband changing, she has not told me that she wishes he would not do this or that, or that that he shouldn’t do this or that, she just see’s that things are not good sometimes, then decides what might alter that situation. In every aspect of her own relationship, she focusses on her own self control or her own responsibility , her own energy within the family and how that impacts on the life she is living.

In consideration of our recent discussions around relationships and the impact that she has on me, I felt like sharing. It’s not just about marriage. People can live together a lifetime and be in love and content in a relationship. It’s about the need we all have to be valued and significant. I don’t have a lot of studied knowledge of relationship dynamics, how they work and why, but when I look at people and watch how they are with each other, I can see through what others might overlook. I work in consulting, I deal with people who are struggling emotionally, who love but want for something better. Sadly, the better, is usually about themselves. See, I think as we ache in desperation to have our partner “understand us deeper” or appreciate us more. What we are actually living is personal dissatisfaction of self. Of course, having a close connection to your partner is conducive with a harmonious loving relationship, one where both of you get to be you,  supported to develop in any way you choose individually and blossom into who you want to be. The love connection, seems to weigh on our hearts and the ego connection, plays with our actions and our decisions.  The ego connection being directly related to that desire for significance. Wow, I could share on this topic for hours, based on my own experience and future ideals. I guess what I am really trying to get out, but maybe not so flowingly, is that we all could do with an Amanda in our life, that friend that shares with black & white accuracy. That slices through it all, without trying, that is oblivious to her own wisdom.

I think that people are fascinating, I think we could develop and grow and love and share into something beyond what we experience, if we open up to facing our own self issues at the exact time that we stand pointing fingers toward our most treasured ones . This could be a remarkable change to the current social trend of separation.

 

Presents or presence?

I think we give gifts to people we love because we want to show them affection, we want to show them that they are important to us. We live in a material world (not judgment) it’s a truth that “things” bring fleeting joy and create all sorts of wonderful emotions, memories and opportunities for us, but I believe what we are usually most grateful for though, is not so much the gift , but the feeling that is created when somebody thinks enough about us, to give to us, so that we receive joy.

I watch in life as couples struggle to love each other in peace, they care so deeply for each other and therefore are just as able to hurt each other as deeply, then often share gifts to reconcile or to somehow “show” that affection they are struggling to communicate through words. When really all that both are truly starving for is understanding and acknowledgement on the deepest level of who they really are, at the heart of who they are. Being in a romantic relationship with somebody, leaves us open to vulnerability. We feel vulnerable when we love somebody because we open our hearts to them . We open our hearts and show how important another is to us, we feel a risk within this action because we decide that it could lead to pain, we panic and choose to focus on the fear of acceptance or the lack of it, we choose to focus on the fear of judgement or practice of it. We finger point in blame, play who did what, who said what. We dance around in a pattern of fear that keeps us from truly experiencing the other person, from appreciating them, understanding, valuing and believing in them.

What might come if we choose presence instead of presents? I believe that presence is the most important gift we can give to somebody that we love, it trumps everything!  I actually know very little about the “scholastics” of relationships. I have lived them and that is all I really know. However, I have suffered with preoccupation. I have suffered with insecurity, and bewilderment, blame and anger. I have suffered so many emotions at so many levels and that is why I know what I know. Through experience we foster valuable insight, we educate ourselves as we move forward into our lives. If we choose not too, then suffering sticks to us and we stagnate. Personally, I am not a fan of stagnation. I have a passion for life and people. I love to see people in love and laughing. Celebrating each other and sharing a life of wonder together. I think we can all have this kind of relationship if we choose presence. All it takes is courage, dedication and love!

When we are present we hear in a new way, we see in clear sight and we feel the energy between what is being communicated and how we are reacting to it. If we sit in a state of true listening, we can hear beyond the words that are spoken and feel what we need to in order to blend harmony and peace within our connection. A strength will grow both within us individually and also within the collective energy of the relationship. It will be waiting for you , each time you choose to be present.

I think its as close to real magic as I will ever get to it. When you are both totally present, nothing can touch you, you are solid and fluid all at once.